Saturday, August 18, 2007

NFL Season Preview, via Arrested Development (Part 1)

It's been a long time since I wrote about a sports topic that wasn't related in some way to the Blazers. So I'm ripping off a gimmick that the Sports Guy uses and doing an NFL season preview. Instead of just writing a normal preview, though, I'll be using characters, episodes, and quotes from Season one of Arrested Development to set up my lame jokes and comments. To do that will take three parts, which means this first part is the only one that'll happen.

Gob: So what? Lindsay's been staying at the Four Seasons for like a month, and she's probably charging it to the company!
Michael: Lindsay's been in town for a month?
Gob: ...I don't think so.
This goes to the Oakland raiders and Jamarcus Russel. I mean, the draft was in April. He was the first overall pick. I'm trying to imagine how the conversations have been between Russell and his agent, and between the agent and the Raiders.
Agent: When Brady Quinn signed last week he got more money than we thought he would, so we've...
JR: Brady Quinn signed last week?
Agent: ...I don't think so.
Raiders Exec: Well, he should sign soon. I mean, even though he's a veteran, it took Daunte Cullpepper a little while to figure out our offense when he showed up a few months ago...
Agent: You signed Daunte Cullpepper a few months ago?
RE: ...I don't think so.

Gob: You know, I sort of thought my contribution could be a magic show.
Michael: Oh, that's perfect, Gob.
Gob: Thank you.
Michael: Or, wait a minute. I just remembered something — Dad's retiring, not turning six.
This goes to Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers. Who didn't like Favre in the '90s? I mean, besides fans of all the other teams in the NFC north? But now it's just sad. Like a grown man having a magic show at his retirement. Speaking of, maybe Gob could convince Favre that his it would be wroth retiring just to see the illusions performed at his retirement party.
George Sr.: I don't have time for your magic tricks.
Gob: Illusions, Dad! You don't have time for my illusions!
This goes to Matt Millen and the Lions. How does he still have a job in Detroit? It's the illusion. Or maybe he's turning tricks. Doing tricks, I meant doing magic tricks.
Michael: Okay, guys, um... they are going to keep Dad in prison at least until this gets all sorted out. Also, the attorney said that they’re going to have to put a halt on the company’s expense account.
[All gasping.]
Michael: Interesting. I would’ve expected that after “They’re keeping Dad in jail.”
This goes to the Falcons. I really wouldn't have expected Vick's teammates to be so quick to embrace Joey Harrington as The Man in Atlanta. Wow, they haven't exactly thrown Vick under the bus, but there hasn't really been much support for him.
Lindsay: You’ve had $80,000 worth of cartography lessons. Get us a channel to the ocean.
Buster: Okay, okay, okay.
Buster: Obviously this blue part here is the land
This goes to Eli Manning. Let's see:
  1. Great bloodline? Check.

  2. Successful college career? Check.

  3. Cocky attitude that kept him from staying in San Diego? Check.

  4. Numerous weapons on offense? Check.
Maybe it's too much to ask him not to buckle under pressure. Or maybe he should be able to tell that the blue part is water, not land.
Lucille: I'd rather be dead in California than alive in Arizona.
I don't think I even need to explain why this one goes to Matt Leinart.
Michael: Hey mom, I was wondering if you knew anything about these....
Lucille: [interrupting] I don't know where they are.
Michael: ...flight records. You know, it's really more believable if you let me finish first.
The first one I'm awarding to Michael Vick.
George Sr.: ...this is my vacation, Michael.
Michael: You're doing time, dad.
George Sr.: I'm doing the time... of my life!
This goes to Pacman Jones. It's too bad the NFL won't let him wrestle. They probably won't let him follow the example set by Joey Galloway in 1999 of playing flag football. We could see Pacman competing in all sorts of reality show events. It really could be the time of his life.
Narrator: Tobias had gotten the directing job by meeting with the school principal.
Tobias: ... and you tell me you've got some P.E. teacher directing? That just makes me want to puke all over your head, sir! [gets on one knee] Give me a chance to tell the bard's tale and I give you my word on humble knee whence you shall not say it wasn't e'r to be.
Principal: ... Jerry, you cool with this?
Jerry/P.E. Teacher: Sure, let the little fruit do it.
Tobias: Huzzah!
This one goes to any team that's just trying to fill holes.
Buster: It's like she gets off by being withholding.
Gob: Look who's got something to say.
Buster: I'm Mom and I want to shoot down everything you say so I can feel good about myself. 'Cause I'm an uptight -- [Incredibly extended BLEEP] -- Buster! -- [Extended BLEEP] -- You old horny slut!
Michael: [pause] Well, no one's gonna top that.
This one goes to the New York Giants and whichever of their players goes crazy this season about how controlling Tom Coughlin is and how much everyone hates him. I'm guessing around week five, depending on if Strahan comes back.
Michael: Listen, after we get that lot cleared, we're going to have enough money for you to neuter thousands of animals. You can make dogs and cats a complete thing of the past. No more dogs and cats.
This one goes to Vick too.
Kitty: Your wife's on line one.
Narrator: Michael's wife had been dead for two years.
Michael: My what?
Narrator: Kitty realized her mistake.
Kitty: I said, "your wife is on line one."
Narrator: But not immediately.
This goes to the Cheifs. Three weeks into the season, after signing Larry Johnson to a huge deal ending his holdout, the Cheifs are going to really wish Priest Holmes' comeback had worked out better when Johnson's knees explode. Running backs can only handle so many carries per year, and I think LJ has fit 8 seasons worth of carries into two and a half seasons.
Gob: Take off your glasses. Oh ... wait, wait. Let down your hair. No, glasses on, hair back up. Let's just get that hair right back up.
Kitty: Let me turn the lights off.
Gob: Yes, yes, please.
Kitty: How's that? Is that better?
Gob: It just seems like there's still light coming in from under the door.
This goes to the Oakland Raiders offense. No matter what you do or how you look at it, this offense is really ugly.
Lindsay: It's all I've ever wanted from you, Daddy - for you to spend money on me.
This goes to Tom Brady. The Patriots finally spent money this off season to help him out, and I think he's going to show his gratitude by playing even better this season than he has so far in his career.
Lucille: It's an idiot on a scooter at night. It's got to be Gob.
To LaVar Arrington. I thought that after Kellen Winslow and Ben Roethlesberger crashed their motorcycles NFL players would be more careful. I thought wrong.
Lindsay: Oh you'll never be able to do it. You're too good. You're the noble one.
Michael: Thank you.
Lindsay: The one who never wins.
Michael: I don't know about that.
Lindsay: The loser. The fool.
I'm going to go ahead and give this to the Bears. They've been pretty good the last few years. They're supposed to be good again this year. And yet, I just don't think they'll be able to even match last year's success.
Michael: Your Uncle Gob seems to think that he saw you down at the docks today. Was that you?
George Michael: No. Maybe it was the other George Michael. You know, the singer-songwriter.
Michael: Yeah, that makes sense.
This one goes to Adrian Peterson, the rookie for Minnesota. When Cedric Benson gets hurt a week and a half into the season, the other Adrian Peterson will take over the running back chores in Chicago, and he'll end up having more touchdowns than his Viking-rookie counterpart.
Reporter: Where's Earl Milford?
Gob: I-I don't know. I put him in a box. I didn't kill him, alright? And don't edit this for your broadcast so it looks like I'm screaming, "I killed Earl Milford!"
[Cut to Fox6 News]
John Beard: Startling confession tonight at 11:00.
This goes to the Cincinnati Bengals. At this point, even when players don't do anything wrong they get a bad rap. Then again, they did bring it upon themselves.
Lindsay: I'll tell you what. I'll take you down to see Nana if you split the money with me 60-40.
Maeby: 55-55.
Lindsay: Deal.
Michael: Sounds like you guys are getting more than you think.
Lindsay: We should go now before your Dad gets back. No need going halfsies with him, too.
This goes to the Houston Texans. I don't know how much they think Matt Schaub is worth, but my guess is that he's not worth as much as they think. Honorable mention on this goes to the Raiders for every QB they have, the Dolphins for Trent Green, and the Buccaneers for Garcia and the still-retired Jake Plummer.
Gob: And now you love the ten commandments. And yet you're the one who so conveniently forgot "Thou shalt protect thy father and honor no one above him unless it be-ith me, thy sweet Lord."
Michael: I'm not sure that one made it down the mountain, Gob.
This goes to everyone who's making up things about how good some bad team will be this year. I guess it's mainly for anyone suggesting that the Cardinals will be good. You're just faking it if you say that.
Tobias: Well, I've always wanted to remake Annie Hall. Except, I wouldn't want to get in bed with a green producer like a Sofia Coppola, though. Oh, but give me an old pro like a Robert Redford. Oh, I'd jump into bed with him in a second. And I wouldn't just lie there, Michael Bluth, if that's what you're thinking.
Michael: Actually, that time, that was what I was thinking.
This goes to the New England Patriots, who just signed "an old pro" to go with Tom Brady. Why would any team need Vinny Testaverde at this point?
Michael: Lindsay, new outfit?
Lindsay: This? No, I've had this for years. I think it's a hand-me-down from Mom.
Michael: You got a price tag. Right there.
Lindsay: Is there? I guess she wanted me to have something new. Sweet old thing.
Michael: Only two of those words describe Mom, so I know you're lying to me.
This goes to the Cleveland Browns, who acquired Jamal Lewis during the off season. I mean, how is that old thing going to help they're running game when he couldn't even run behind a better than average line in Baltimore?

That's everything I have for now. I hope to do the other parts, but we'll see.

1 comment:

Lewis said...

Great stuff Carlton. Really great stuff. I hope that we can see Parts II and III someday because they can be really good. Also, it maybe a borrowed "gimmick" from the SG, but, since he hates Arrested Development, I think you are safe.

BTW, the Falcons have to say that rally around Joey Harrington. I am pretty sure Arthur Blank has made that clear to the team in many a team meeting (especially since he's FURIOUS with Vick).

Also, I take it based on your Adrian Peterson comments that you won't be taking him at #2? Your team is a real wildcard in this upcoming draft in my opinion...